Sex and Intimacy Without Erections

Talk to each other about what turns you on and gives you pleasure, even if you’ve been together for years.

“Really take time to figure out: What do you like? What do I do that feels good to you beyond penis-and-vagina or penis-and-anus?” Harris-Jackson says.

If you still get an erection sometimes, let your partner know what feels good when you have one -- and what feels good when you don’t, Garrison says. “You can easily say: ‘When I have an erection, I love this, this, and this. In the times that I don’t have an erection, I love to have my ear licked, my elbow rubbed, my left toe massaged...’”

An intimacy-building exercise called sensate focus can help you and your partner get a better idea of where and how you like to be touched. In therapy sessions, Lilla has a couple try the exercise fully clothed, touching each other from the neck up. “It’s a really intimate experience, but it’s not necessarily sexually focused, and for some people it’s relaxing and connecting.”

You and your partner can practice sensate focus with a therapist guiding you, or you can try it at home, Harris-Jackson says. “The goal is to learn to explore one another’s bodies. Take time to just caress and kiss and verbalize to one another what it feels like without penetration, without oral sex, so there’s no pressure that anyone has to have an erection.”

Start simply if you prefer: You can rekindle intimacy by holding hands, making out, or cuddling nude.

Or maybe you and your partner are ready for more adventurous options, like oral sex, mutual masturbation, or sex toys.

If you’re up for exploring sex toys (like a vibrator or dildo) but you’re uneasy about going into a store that sells them, browse online with your partner, Lilla says. It’s important to shop together, she says, “instead of feeling like it’s one person’s job or that one person is putting this expectation on the other.”

If your partner wants to try a sex toy and you don’t, suggest an alternative, she says. You could say something like, “‘Well I don’t feel comfortable using a sex toy, but maybe we could try naked cuddling or maybe we could take a bath together.’”